Saturday, May 30, 2009

In the jingle-jangle morning, I'll come following you.

This small, yet significant attempt to share myself with the world is currently going out to a few very specific people who deserve much more than a blog post from me. There is a poem by Hafiz that goes like "After all this time, the sun doesn't say to the earth 'you owe me'. Look at what happens with a love like that-it lights the whole world". That sentiment expresses a love so sincere and selfless that it can only happen with family; and true family might have been there from the beginning, watching you shoot out of your Mom, or maybe family has been there since whenever you were lucky enough to find them, and have been watching you struggle, find the funny, learn, be rejected, realize hope, and all the while, drinking white wine by the jug because that is how classy ladies do.

I have been adventuring and experimenting and reading and listening for years partly in search of a better understanding of who I was made to be, and what that person can do for this world. Excursions of the Middle Eastern persuasion have left me with an unparalleled appreciation for falafel (and a whole lot more, let's be honest), but the past 6 months of living with people who are so much more to me than just housemates have been absolutely incredible for my development and understanding of myself, that I might as well have been locked in a house with some of the most interesting and caring people on earth who care for me equally as passionatly.

When I look back on my last two quarters of college, after getting back from Israel, I would say that they were purposefully spent securing a job for next year, learning as much as humanly possible from education inside the walls and inside relationships, and every available moment with people who remind me so much of God that sometimes I explode with affection. None of those activities were things of productive significance, such as starting a non-profit, or working relentlessly on the behalf of others; and although I do not want the rest of my life to be as such, I am very thankful for the gift that I was given to simply be for a little while. That being said, it is difficult for me to believe my wonderful housemates whenever they express admiration, because the truth is that I feel like I've taken a bit of a hiatus from striving since I have lived with them, which is where most appreciation in our lives are rooted.

I have been loved unconditionally, not in spite of my lack of productivity, but in lieu of it. Perhaps those moments of shooting the shit in the kitchen are far more eternal and holy than bringing down "the man" in one single swoop, though that is completely legitimate as well. It's entirely possible that learning how to accept love when I truly feel as though it is undeserved is the sole reason why any of us, not just myself, are here. And maybe that's the answer to the second part of that question, what can we possibly due for the world?

I step out into a new frontier of Land of Enchantment: New Mexico with the full confidence that I am appreciated and taken care of just because I exist. It is only with that confidence that I can be selfless for the people who need me to be selfless, and that, my dear friends, is the most beautiful cycle of all. Your companionship is enough for me to believe that God, or the universe, or breath, or being, or anything at all, is a good thing. This collective gives me hope as bright as the sun that community of that splendor can happen again, and will only add to the continuing investment and adoration that exists in this moment. I sincerely agape (what's up, greek roots?!) you all.